Lost
by MapleRose
Summary: [one-shot]I am a lost soul... Kikyou's feelings about Inuyasha and Kagome. do not read if you are not willing to keep an open mind about her side of the story.


first of all, I want to say that if you don't like Kikyou, or you're not willing to keep an open mind about her side of the story, then don't read this, leave now. I WILL NOT ACCEPT FLAMES OR CHARACTER BASHING!!!

next, I want to say that I do not hate Kikyou or Kagome (although I do like Kikyou's character better, if you want explanation, check my profile). If you are a _true_ fan of Inuyasha, then why would you hate a character that the talented Takahashi-sama has created?

like i said before, keep an open mind if you are going to read this.

* * *

LOST 

I am lost. I walk the earth aimlessly. My face is like stone, cold and emotionless. But if you look at my eyes closely, you'd see a tinge of sadness and pain in them.

It is a lonely life, for I am a miko, and was once the guardian of the Shikon jewel. Many demons sought it for their own greedy purposes, and I must protect it at all costs. Sometimes I wonder why the jewel was even created if it brought so much pain and suffering.

I have never known true happiness. There was once, a glimmer of a chance for me to be happy. But that chance was cruelly dashed by betrayal.

I remember it clearly. You wanted to become human so we can live together. I can finally live a life of a normal woman, and you can live without fear of being discriminated. Finally, a chance for us, two lonely souls to be happy.

Why? Why did you do it? Was I wrong to think that because you possess a human heart, you have human emotions like love?

I didn't want to hate you, or hurt you. No, I still love you Inuyasha, despite all that happened. But I had to seal you to a tree. I did not want to see the jewel become corrupted, for I am responsible for it. Most of all, I did not want you to become demon. Your soul would be corrupted, and you would lose all your emotions that I love dearly. I tried not to cry as my bow sang, releasing that arrow. I cannot cry. I have to remain emotionless, for emotions are signs of weakness. I am a miko, I must remain strong.

I sacrificed myself that day, to protect the jewel, and the world. It crossed by mind that I could use the jewel to revive myself, but I couldn't live, not without you. It just wouldn't be the same. Before I met you, I had nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to.

I fall to my knees. I cannot take this anymore. Tears flow freely down my cold face. Why did it have to be like this?

I am dead, but still I walk the earth, unwillingly brought back to life, by the witch Urasuea. Is this really life?

Sometimes I want to end this. But I have things to do. My once pure soul is consumed by hatred and my desire for you, Inuyasha, to join me in hell.

I have another thing to accomplish. I am the only one capable of destroyed the jewel and banishing it from this world as I have done once before. I shall not rest until I've accomplished my tasks. That is the only thing that keeps me in this world.

That girl, Kagome, from the future. I despise her. I despise her pure soul that was once mine, and for taking me away from your heart.

Are you forgetting me Inuyasha because of her? I will make sure I am the only one in your heart and I will always be there.

I see an old well in the meadow. I remember this well. It is the portal that connects the girl's era with ours. I want to destroy it, destroy her connection with this time, with Inuyasha.

I narrow my eyes. I see that Kagome has come to our era once again. Soon, I see a red blur flash by, Inuyasha is standing by your side.

I turn away, unable to look. I feel pain in my clay heart. Tears run down my face once again. It's not fair.

I hate you Kagome, you have taken all that I known: the jewel that I once protected, my place as the miko of my village, my place in the world, my soul, and most of all, Inuyasha. My Inuyasha.

I will never forgive you for that. He's mine, and mine alone. His heart and soul belong to me. I was with him long before you.

My reincarnation. I hate you. I hate you for taking my Inuyasha, for loving him in ways that I could not, for possessing my soul and my powers, and for being alive while I am undead.

I look up and my breath catches in my throat. I see Inuyasha embrace your warm body and whisper in your ear.

My blood boils in anger and jealousy. I wish I were in your place, right there, in Inuyasha's arms. I clench my fists as my dark soul consumes my thoughts.

I have devoted my life to protecting others, to serve them. People look up to me. It is rewarding. But sometimes I wonder why don't I deserve a break, why don't I deserve to be happy, to be rid of my burden.

I fight against myself, my hatred threatening to take over. I am not the pure miko I once was. I hate myself. I hate the monster that I have become. I remember once, when a little girl that seems to like me discovered that I am one of the undead. I remember the fear written on her face. Fear caused by me. I left the village, feeling hurt.

"Go home!" I scream silently in my mind to that girl. I want her to leave, I want her to leave my Inuyasha and never return. "You don't belong here! He is mine, and mine alone!"

I am spotted by her companions, a houshi, a taijiya, and a kitsune. They tell me to leave their companions alone. No. I will not. I will not die until my Inuyasha is by my side always.

"Stop hurting Kagome," they say. I say nothing back. It is useless to argue. They do not understand. They cannot understand my pain. Instead, I turn and stalk away, hiding my tears. I must remain strong.

I know that I don't belong, but I can't move on. So for now, I wander the earth aimlessly, searching for the woman that I once was, hoping to remain in the heart and memory of Inuyasha.

* * *

like i said, i don't hate kagome, but kikyou probably does, that's why she says these things. if you think about it, it's understandable. how would you feel if you've been away from some time and when you come back (unwillingly, because kikyou said in her mind "don't call out my name" in the show, and it's not like she had any say about her remains being dug up), your one love is with your reincarnation (bad enough if it's your sister, but this is even worse).

anyway, i can go on forever about this, so i won't. review please! NO FLAMES!!


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